Nutty Squirrel's Weblog

Is God the World we Create?

nuttysquirrel — Tue, 25 Mar 2008 10:15:50 +0000

How many weeks? Too many. I lay awake at night frightened I might die soon; that my liver will fail; that my brain is too pickled to recover; my broken heart is beyond repair. I am beginning to realise how strong this addiction has become. The mood swings that accompany withdrawal. The depression; the anger; the temptation of suicide that will end all the pain. How the hell can I do this? I’m too ashamed to tell anyone.

I stopped believing in a Patriarchal God last year. I prayed for years, believing in the God who loved me like a Father, but my love of my own children convinced me that a loving Father would give comfort, would not harm his own, wanted only the best that he could provide. Yeah, I got material things, lots of them, too many perhaps; but where was his comfort? I sat quietly and listened and all I heard was misery in the world. Did that loving God create a Hell for His Children so that they welcomed death however it came. I haven’t demanded that this God pass a test or prove his existence, as we are instructed in the Bible; really clever idea by those who don’t want their teachings to be questioned, one hell of an exclusion clause. Hell. Perhaps that’s where the idea came from? I think I also remember ‘Ask and you shall receive.’ If I wrote a self-help book with all the contradictions that the Bible contains, then I would be ridiculed and deservedly so.

So come on all those people who have hit my blog. What do you think? Is there nothing out there but the world we create for ourselves?

No New Year’s Resolution. Just Targets to be Achieved

nuttysquirrel — Wed, 02 Jan 2008 20:21:39 +0000

No New Year’s Resolution. Resolutions are made to be broken.

Instead Targets. Targets are there to achieve.

Workaholic Husband has accepted that we egg each other on to drink so we have agreed to aim to stay off alcohol until Valentine’s day. Let’s get there and then we can thing about a new target.

Health, Wealth and Prosperity for 2008

Big Binge

nuttysquirrel — Thu, 20 Dec 2007 10:42:10 +0000

I got completely and utterly drunk last night. Really, really pissed. No trigger in particular, it just happened. One drink led to another until we were all really drunk. Workaholic Husband arranged for us to meet a contact in the pub opposite. It was supposed to be a quick one but it turned into a meal and way too much booze. I am so ashamed. I wasn’t drunker than anyone else but I still hate myself for it. I think the contacts wife made me feel old and useless. At 28 she was so confident in her own opinions and ability. I used to be like that, but now I feel as if I am nothing. I feel I am a parasite living off my husbands earnings when I could go back out to work and have some economic independence. I’ve been a good mother for the past 15 years. I’ve given my kids a happy stable home and supported my husband as his career moved on in leaps and bounds. Even he says he couldn’t have done it without my support. So why do I always feel an inadequate failure. So sad.

Forget the Unexpected Source of Support – She isn’t but she is a SILLY COW.

nuttysquirrel — Wed, 19 Dec 2007 17:30:00 +0000

Don’t bother with the unexpected source of support. It isn’t going to happen. After today’s class there was supposed to be a bit of a social gathering with mulled wine and mince pies. I’m always a bit wary of joining these social groups. They’re usually full of women who think they are too beautiful and interesting people to bother to talk to me and if they bother to speak to me at all, treat me with the patronising attitude usually reserved for a retarded rabbit. I’m much better with people on a one to one basis so I don’t put myself in the situation.

Anyhow. one of the other instructors encouraged me to join their table so I thought ‘Why not?’ I didn’t drink the mulled wine on offer although the young man sat with us offered to get me one. Nice chap, in his late twenties I should think, the son of one of the women in the group. JA, the schizophrenic gym instructor suddenly got really icy with me when I started talking to him and completely cut me dead. At the time I was really hurt but then I realised she’d been flirting with him and saw me as competition. Me, competition! I’m 43, fat and married. She’s 37, tiny and divorced. No competition! Silly cow!

I’m going to us her as she asked. She’s a good fitness instructor, but she’s not to be trusted and not to be relied on so I won’t be confiding in her!

Unexpected Source of Support

nuttysquirrel — Tue, 18 Dec 2007 16:37:22 +0000

I went to a Body Balance class yesterday. I rarely miss it but the instructor is one of the scariest people I have ever met. She shouts and bullies a lot, but I admire her dedication to the things she believes in. She was once my friend but then she wasn’t and then she was but I don’t trust her anymore, forgiven but not forgotten.

At the end we are all corpse-ing and meditating and she starts

”Make a Pre-New-Year’s-Resolution today. Decide what you want to achieve in 2008, go home, write it down but don’t tell anybody else.”

Normally I’m of the attitude ‘You talk too much for a meditation session. Shut up and stop imposing your thoughts on the rest of us.’ But this time I thought she had something worthwhile to listen to. She goes on

“I am here to support you. If you want me to help you, to advise you, push you harder if you want me to. Call me. Use me as a resource. I am here for you.”

Do I trust her? Or will I get the silent treatment when things don’t go as perfectly as she wants them? She is very controlling but I think she genuinely cares. My initial reaction is to not trust her. I felt betrayed when she deserted me before. I know she was in the middle of a major personal crisis because I listened as much to her problems as she did to mine. Will moving on from this betrayal help me move forward? Will learning to trust again help me to heal? All my instincts scream ’ NO!’, but a little voice in the background sings ‘Yes! Go for it!’

Do I accept this unexpected source of help?

Pre-Christmas Dinner with the In-Laws

nuttysquirrel — Sun, 16 Dec 2007 19:37:02 +0000

We had the In-Laws over for Sunday lunch today. According to Workaholic Husband the can make a bottle of wine last for 6 months. I can vouch for this. When we lived in Italy we gave then half a dozen bottles of Novella one of which they opened on the day and we all had a glass. The next time we returned to the UK some several months later we were served the remaining two glasses from the same bottle. Wow! I never have enough left over next day for a glass to use in the cooking. I’m sure the rest of the case is still in the cupboard under their stairs some 15 years later.

I did say wine didn’t I? Yes they can make a bottle of wine last six months and the rest of the case another 15 years hidden under the stairs, but I didn’ t mention brandy did I? I added enough to the neat brandy to the brandy butter to take any normal adult well over the drink-drive limit but these two tiny and lovely old people asked for the bottle and then proceeded to spoon enough French Fire Water over their puddings to floor a Napoleonic Regiment.

Well Good Luck to them both and I wish them many more Christmas puddings to spoon neat brandy over.

Christmas Cards – NEVER AGAIN

nuttysquirrel — Sun, 16 Dec 2007 19:18:43 +0000

My son describes mushrooms as the food of Satan. I consider Christmas Cards to be a little invention the Devil created to waste both my time and the Earth’s natural resources.

This year I got rebellious and stuck a note in every single one announcing that from now on we are doing e-cards and donating the money spent on cards and postage to charity. A non-Christian one.

Coping With Christmas

nuttysquirrel — Thu, 13 Dec 2007 18:18:04 +0000

This is not something I am looking forward to. In a way this is a self defeating attitude as the more I worry the more I think about having a drink. Keeping busy is the key. Not with Christmas Cards (over 200 mostly to people I’ve never met but Workaholic Husband considers important) or present wrapping which is mind numbingly boring but with things that occupy my thoughts. There’s nothing like boredom to start you down the mental route to self-destruction.

Lost it Over the Weekend.

nuttysquirrel — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 21:02:02 +0000

I didn’t even think when Workaholic Husband poured me a can of beer on Saturday night whilst I preparing supper. I’d drunk it before I realised what I’d done.

The alcohol makes you mad. All reason goes.

“I’ve had one so what difference will one more make?”

Then you wake up at three in the morning and calculate the 8 units and hate yourself. Four cans doesn’t seem a lot but isn’t five units or more in one day classified as binge drinking. More than three in one day is potentially harmful for a woman.

“Just one more”

Makes it four!

I not going to torment myself with Sunday, but I went really badly wrong. Beer, wine , spirits. Nothing in secret, nothing alone. Just too much. Today I am very tired and I hate myself.

I have no desire to drink tonight. None whatsoever.

If you’re reading this you probably think I am a relly sad looser. Yeah, I probably am. I have no idea who you are or what you think, but knowing there are other people out there who might be connecting with me in some way makes the loneliness a bit less cold and helps me feel just a bit stronger.

Four Days Free and I Almost Lost It – but I didn’t.

nuttysquirrel — Mon, 10 Dec 2007 20:37:32 +0000

I was so pissed off with Workaholic Husband last night that I almost lost it.

Fridays are always shitty getting out of London, so Workaholic Husband tries to work from home if he can. It doesn’t always work like that, sometimes he has to go in for a meeting, but that’s ok. I accept that is part of his job.

WHAT REALLY PISSES ME OFF ARE LIES AND PROMISES THAT WERE NEVER INTENDED TO BE KEPT!

I do not like being lied to about where he is.

I do not like being lied to about what time he has finished work.

I do not like being fobbed off with promises about coming home early when he has arranged to go out for a drink with his colleagues.

I can cope with anything if I am told the truth, but when I am told half-truths and lies or given omissions, I end up picking up the broken pieces of our home and family he leaves behind as a result.

I can be scary but Workaholic Husband is scarier when you disagree with him so I don’t because he bullies our children so that I will back down to protect them.

He arrived home at 10.25 pm. claiming he had been working until late, but he stank of beer and I didn’t get the usual half hour of off-load I listen to when he comes in.

He lied then he admitted he’d been out for a couple with someone from the office.

Well maybe I’d like to go out for a couple occasionally instead of being stuck at home waiting for him.

I AM SO PISSED OFF WITH THIS LIFE.

I went straight to bed and left him on his own with his bottle of white. If I’d stayed up I would have drunk a bottle of my own.